This morning as I stood in front of my closets dealing with the daily agony of choosing what to wear, I came to an important decision. Tired of the same turtlenecks and skirts I've been wearing for years, I realized that the solution to my fashion ennui was right under my nose all along.
I need to run for Vice President!!
Apparently, in addition to getting to travel all over the country (well, at least to the Pro-American parts) inciting bigotry and fearmongering, you also get a $150,000 wardrobe budget to spend at Saks and Neiman Marcus. If you're criticized for such lavish expenditures, all you have to do is have your running mate claim need and you're good to go.
Now some of you out there might be saying, "Who needs a $150,000 wardrobe?" To you, I say, "Who are you?" Remember that a VP, in addition to being in charge of the US Senate (which I had no idea about either -- I guess I was a lousy political science major!), needs to look her best out there. No shopping on a budget. Pshaw! Leave that to first ladies . The VP is sharing the wealth in her own special way. Although I guess that since this is being paid for by the publicly-financed McCain campaign, it's actually spreading OUR wealth in her own special way.
My personal style as VP will be probably quite similar to my current personal style, just at a higher end. I'm keeping the turtlenecks. It'll give Tina Fey something iconic to wear when she's satirizing me on SNL and make it so people can tell her Mel impersonation apart from her Sarah Palin impersonation. (Well, that and the fact that I tend to speak proper English with all my consonants in place and am not given to folksy homilies about hockey moms and plumbers.) I just need to take my personal style and give it that VP spin that will show people that I deserve to be VP because I dress better than they do. I found the "look" shown here at Neiman Marcus and thought, "Hey, that would be the perfect VP Campaign Rally outfit for me!" It costs just under $4000. Never mind the fact that I've seen just about all of it at Target and could buy the whole look for probably just over $100. No, that's not what being VP is about. Any old Pro-American like me could budget and economize and shop at Target. I have to be a cut above. I have to spend that $4000 to show you all just how serious I am about savin' this great land of ours from the terrorists.
Yikes. Where did that come from? Perhaps this VP thing has some scary side effects I'm not ready for. Aw, hell, it's worth the loss of my intelligence if it means a $4000 outfit from Neiman Marcus. Joe the Plumber, save me a seat on the bus, my friend! I'm on my way just as soon as I load up my shopping cart with a couple more pairs of Jimmy Choos!
UPDATE: Holy cabooses! The incentives to run for VP just keep coming. Now I read in the New York Times that running for VP also brings you your own personal makeup artist that gets paid roughly $11,400 a week! Gosh knows I sure hate standing in front of the mirror every morning applying my own Cover Girl Lash Blast mascara. (Drew Barrymore is right -- that stuff really is great!!) Now, I can pay someone what it takes me months to bring home as a teacher to sit with me every day and apply the makeup for me. And somehow I suspect my days of Cover Girl and Maybelline would be sooooooo over. Seriously, dudes, sign me up!!! (And don't even get me started on the $5,000 hairdresser. Apparently, it takes WORK to rock the bun I've been trying to rock for so many years.)