Now, Anderson, I know we face some obstacles in this developing romance of ours. I hear a rumor you might not be a fan of certain body parts I possess -- or rather you're a fan of parts I don't possess. There's the problem of the fact that you live in New York and travel the world while I'm a school teacher here in Illinois. And, of course, the little problem of you not knowing I even exist. But here's the thing: I love you. Like seriously. Besides being utterly dreamy and charming and brave and freakin' hilarious (see his appearance last week on The Daily Show when you allowed yourself to be bullied by the Best F***in' News Team), you share my disdain for the Family Lohan, you clearly are a fan of The Soup (since you referenced it during your guest host stint on Regis and Kelly), and you are smart. You sealed the deal tonight during the RNC when, as the John McCain video was about to start, the video designed to introduce us to John McCain, you said, "I'm a little confused here. Haven't we been introduced to him every night this week?" Yes, Anderson, we have.
And so, I come to you and humbly ask for your hand in matrimony. All of those problems can be worked out so that we can live happily (and sarcastically) ever after.